He has hurt you. The worst that anyone has and for some crazy unknown reason, you still have feelings for him even though everyone thinks you’re stupid for it, even though he lied, and even though he didn’t care. And really you just want more than anything to go back to thew ay things were before because you were so happy. He made you happy, happier than you could ever remember being in a long time, and then all of a sudden, the entire world came crashing down on you and now whenever you get upset, you look back at the day, back to him. And you just want him to the fact that you would have given the world if you could’ve because you loved him that much, but he’ll never get that because for some reason all he wants is to see her.

But it’s okay. Honest, I’m moving on. Slowly but surely, I’m moving on.

2011.

January.
Aftermath of new years. First set of AS exams. Drifted away from boyfriend.

February.
Got broken up with. Went to NYC and Washington D.C. with my friends. Made some long lasting friendships.

March.
Got back with ex-boyfriend. Got results, which went badly.

April.
Got my ass back in gear for school.

May.
Exams started. Realised I didn’t trust my boyfriend again yet.

June.
Start of summer, end of exams. Spent most of it with my boyfriend, became happier. Started freaking out about him moving away.

July.
Realised I may actually get to meet my best friend.

August.
Results. Boyfriend got into uni. Got good grades.

September.
Turned eighteen. Boyfriend moved away.

October.
Got broken up with, couldn’t cope with distance. Met my best friend. He lives 7 hours away.

November.
Best friend came down again. Momentarily forgot about ex, was happy. Crashed my car. Realised how unhappy I was. Realised to be happy, I’d have to stop my emotions getting the better of me.

December.
Became closer with someone else. Saw ex again.

I love you…

…and I’m always going to love you. But I don’t want to love you. I want to be happy. And, he, he makes me happy. And if you keep on pulling at me, I’ll come back to you.
- Grey’s Anatomy.

I like him, he makes me smile; a lot. And for god’s sake. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to think of you all day and all night. I don’t want to be miserable anymore, and when I’m with him. I’m okay, I’m actually okay.

we were just a couple of kidsss

i loved you.

breaking your own heart…

I mentioned about how excited I was about learning about forensic psychology, and I briefly forgot that you always wanted me to go into forensics so we could be like a TV show you used to watch, you would be the lawyer and I would be the psychologist. I’d forgotten all about it, but you’d remembered.

<33

and i say baby, yes i feel stupid to call you but i’m lonely. and i don’t think that you meant it when you said you couldn’t love; and i thought maybe if i could kiss the way you do… you’d feel it too.

keeps falling

it’s as though everything is falling. i’m worried about myself. i can’t seem to be happy. not for a lengthly amount of time anywhos. i don’t even know anymore. i can barely stand to be around myself, let alone other people. i don’t know how to control this.

i only want to talk to you.

i wish we still spoke. i miss your painfully positive attitude towards anything. i may have said you were being silly but it always lifted my spirits.

younger now than we were before.

I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect to fall for you.

it’s like this

it’s like there’s a terrible weight been lifted off my shoulders, but in a weird way i want it back. i just want you